That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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