took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
