Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
