God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
