oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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