You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
