Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
