so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
