i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
