she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
