you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
