just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
