Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
