You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
