Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Operation Purity has been aborted
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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