I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
