Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
