where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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