I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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