Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
