The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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