it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
