Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
