So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
