I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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