Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
