3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
