why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
