I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
