Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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