I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
