Your dad touched me again.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
