True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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