Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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