Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
