i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
