kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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