I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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