I am puke
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
