guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
