At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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