I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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