guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he puts the penis in happiness.
accomplished twins. life is a go
high people should be assigned attendants
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
