So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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