i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
