I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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