she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
