I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
