I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
