Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
